Underachiever Humorist Gifts

Empty Headed Schoolboy

"I figured out how to raise my grades."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'Let's put it this way Tommy, if we could go below F minus you would be forging new territory!'

'I wasted a lot of time in graduate school to get this job.'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

"There must be some way of getting yourself fired."

The Devil making snow angels.

"Oh, just cellaring. You?"

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

New years resolutions

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

"Sin tax? I love it."

Designer

'Remember I said I wish I had more arms so I could get more things done? Well the doctor took care of that problem.'

'He can ignore you in seven different languages.'

"This new poem lacks his usual vindictive sarcasm. It's just a victimless rhyme."

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

Crossed fingers on a sign for the operating room.

I tried to take eighteen credits.

'They're still waiting for Godot.'

Sock puppet down!: 'A hand! I need a hand!'

Teenaged boy: -Too old to be a teddy bear. -Too young to be a wolf.

'Ha ha, that cloud looks just like Frederick Pethick-Lawrence, Financial Secretary to the Treasury, 1929-1931.'

"She came in for her son's report card, but I gave her an A-honor roll student's report card by accident."

"I understand they're pretty much extinct everywhere else."

"What to Expect When You're Alive"