Unconventional Cook Gifts

"Fridge-to-table"

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Children's Feast.

Elfian lady grilling on mushroom: 'Summertime in the Enchanted Forest'.

'Any wilderness skills besides making smores?'

Horn of Leftovers

Baloneystini

Culinary Breakthroughs During Social Distancing

All-Candy Seder.

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

Picasso

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

The Bachelor Chef TV Show. First, remove last night's pizza from the fridge. Then eat cold for breakfast. Shoot! 29 minutes left to kill.

'I told you I only cook with my mother's Italian spices. She just left Naples and should be here with them in about eight hours.'

Onion Guillotine

Get me a bottle of house white. I need to clean the stainless steel surfaces.

'Trying to eat her dinners is the only exercise I get.'

"Rain or shine, me and you can do fondue!" "I'm ready for some yum!"

"For this dish we'll need to sauté the onion with the week-old, moldy, ant-covered French fry over medium heat. Then, we lightly flash boil our dehydrated mouse..."

Spaghetto

'Nothing like the workplace to inspire creativity.'

'I don't know what we were thinking, baking inside a tree...'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

Wow. That was a lot faster. (Published originally on October 20, 2011.)

'It might be a satanic cult: Not only did they chop his head off, they're stuffing his body with bread now...'

"I heard this dumpster got a bad review, but we'll try it out anyhow."

'Great crisps.' 'Yes, they're old cornflakes and salt.'

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

Wife at breakfast: 'We're out of sugar - how about chocolate milk on your cereal?'

"Why are they called freshers when they only eat processed food?"

'How much gin will I need for three medium size lemons?'

'I'm short of ingredients. What's a good substitute for filet mignon?'

'You think ideas are contained in food?'

"If I admit that I was wrong I would be admitting to myself that my whole life and everything I am and believe in is based on lies!"