Uncomfortably Honest Humor Fan Gifts

'Hello, Mr. Harris?... This is the private eye you hired to follow your wife. I'm afraid you were right, she is sleeping with another man.'

Faster, Georges, faster!

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"Seriously, just pull my finger ..."

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Winter Weather.

Girl in cow onesie.

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

Beware of sissified, but tough dog!

"I just remembered where I left my chew toy."

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

Covid-19 Caution

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

"Be careful, this plate is… never mind."

'If you want produce grown on the farm down the road you'll have to go to Kuala Lumpur.'

'Oops, actually, this is a cockroach I squashed the other day.'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it's just collecting dust."

"Apparently 'the vest' is making a comeback..."

Excess Baggage: If your vacation plans include 'getting back to nature', but careful what you wish for.

"As usual, you're confusing your right to have an opinion with having your opinion respected."

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'