Unapologetic Performer Gifts

"Gather 'round and I'll sing in a style that's just earnest enough to make you uncomfortable."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Cow Show Tunes

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

'Play it again, Sam.'

"I can't believe he brought her."

"Bravo!"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

Jazz is Invented

Clown waits for 'Happy Hour' to begin.

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

Henry the amazing talking dog.

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."