Peaceful Performer Gifts

'We would like you to accompany us to the station, sir!'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"We're following Carrot Top."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

Cow Show Tunes

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

George Michael

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Clown waits for 'Happy Hour' to begin.

"Bravo!"

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

Jazz is Invented

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

"I can't believe he brought her."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

'Play it again, Sam.'

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

Mrs Claus - North Pole Dancing.

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'

Henry the amazing talking dog.

Jarvis Cocker