Tweeting Tyrant Pillows

"Decrees are old fashioned. I now rule by tweets."

'The ten commandments have all been reduced to tweets.'

Woman has 3 towels in her restroom: 'Mine', 'Mine' and 'Mine'.

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

"These days they prefer to harass me on twitter."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"I just tweeted a chirp."

"No screen time means more scream time."

'You'll have more luck getting the sword out of the stone than getting the remote control out of his hand.'

Man and bird

"I have the new list of approved tweets."

"Rudy, if you're playing a video game in there. I'm breaking this door down. Some of us have got to go."

'Them's fightin' tweets!'

'When I said you should complain about your steak I didn't mean whining about it on twitter.'

"I haven't been in any academic journals but I do get my Tweets re-Tweeted a lot."

Follow our interest rates on Twitter.

"How about putting that in a tweet?"

"My solicitor tells me I have grounds for a divorce. You're a control freak."

'Don't change the channel.'

"I want conventional and nuclear battle plans on my desk. It's time to take this Twitter war to the next level."

Woman sees towels with 'Mine' on all of them

A repairman has a small box marked 'Useful Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Screws.'

How are we supposed to tweet in 140 characters when all we can use are zeroes and ones!?

Women more likely to be misogynistic on twitter. . .

'My first one is obvious making it illegal to ever question me...In that case, it'll be the right for everyone to never question me! Good catch, daddy. Thanks...'

"To-do list. Item one. Clear up the world's problems masterful tweet."

I Tweet, Therefore I am.

"Won't be a moment - I'm just on Twitter insulting someone who insulted me."

"I'm leaving politics so I can spend more quality tweeting-time with my family."

Tweeter's Block

Slacker Husband

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but tweets will never hurt me."

'Whatever Mrs Widdlington wants I need you to sort it out immediately...she's got 34,000 followers on Twitter.'

'Before I pass sentence, have you anything to tweet?'