Tweetalot Gifts

You've modified your unified theory of picking up chicks? The first big change in 10 years. I had to account for a key change in how people relate. They have incredibly short attention spans. Under my old theory, you used to have 45 seconds to get a chick's attention. Now you have less than 20. You lost me two sentences ago. I'm tweeting. The Love Doctor rests his case.

'…and remember - around HERE, ‘talk is CHEEP'.'

Bird Tweet.

"Twitter is back! Hurry, hurry, get yer free speech here!"

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'

The 3 Musketeers come undone.

Sober Tooth Tiger

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'You had me at your first tweet..'

Elon Musk in fly me to the moon

'New Barbeque.'

'We're looking for something that captures the zeitgeist of the nation...you know, the Great American Tweet.'

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'It's a tweet from Maid Marian.'

"Jeremy and I are so in sync, we finish each other's tweets."

Twitter Prison

'Wow, these messages are even shorter than twitter tweets.'

'What am I thinking? Don't you read my Tweets?'

The Janopause

"You talkin' to me?"

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be taken out of context and put on Twitter and then it'll be a whole thing."

"If you think you've earned this by consistently retweeting my tweets -- you're right."

"I tweeted yesterday. 'Sleep with your windows open'. It was liked and shared by 2000 mosquitos."

"When I Say Tweet, You Say Tweet!"

"So then I thought...who needs speech writers when I can just recite all my old tweets!"

"It was his tweets I fell in love with first!"

My Fair Lady Twitter

'I'm thinking of writing a tweet.'

I'm your ghost twitterer. It's a marketing vehicle for your radio show. You're stealing my identity because if you used your own, no one would follow your tweets! You've got 3,000 followers. They're living to read about your every movement. Beating on pause. Beating on pause.

"I'm having a dry October. . . October 2045."

The twittering president.

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"I wonder, sir, if you expect to be using your complimentary cocktail."

'Pub drinking games with bottled water may be sensible, but they're bloody boring.'