Tweet Hesitant Pillows

'I'd join Twitter, but I'm worried I'll make a hash of it.'

Bird Tweet.

The Proust of Twitter

'…and remember - around HERE, ‘talk is CHEEP'.'

"Twitter is back! Hurry, hurry, get yer free speech here!"

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

"If he has more than 20 followers on Twitter we call him a 'celebrity'."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'I don't care if he is the most interesting man in the world, his tweets about what he had for breakfast are still boring.'

'We're looking for something that captures the zeitgeist of the nation...you know, the Great American Tweet.'

Ornithologist

"And me without a Twitter account."

"Jeremy and I are so in sync, we finish each other's tweets."

'It's a tweet from Maid Marian.'

Man and bird

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

'Wow, these messages are even shorter than twitter tweets.'

'What am I thinking? Don't you read my Tweets?'

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"I'll tell you the same thing everybody's telling Donald Trump - stop your damn tweeting!"

"When did tweeting become such an angry thing?"

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be taken out of context and put on Twitter and then it'll be a whole thing."

"It was his tweets I fell in love with first!"

"I tweeted yesterday. 'Sleep with your windows open'. It was liked and shared by 2000 mosquitos."

"If you think you've earned this by consistently retweeting my tweets -- you're right."

"Hurry - get the family. I think he's about to communicate his final angry retweet."

"So then I thought...who needs speech writers when I can just recite all my old tweets!"

"When I Say Tweet, You Say Tweet!"

If a tree falls in the forest but there's no hashtag for it ...

My Fair Lady Twitter

I'm your ghost twitterer. It's a marketing vehicle for your radio show. You're stealing my identity because if you used your own, no one would follow your tweets! You've got 3,000 followers. They're living to read about your every movement. Beating on pause. Beating on pause.

The twittering president.

'And the public is protected from your tweets.'

'I'm thinking of writing a tweet.'