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' Police investigating the theft of sixty cases of custard powder have released this photofit of a man they'd like to question.'

Showbiz Awards

"Would you sit and watch a 12 hour movie?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

'The anger management is working... tonight there were fewer veins popping.'

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

Big screen TV falling through floor

"The end of my favorite series is near."

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

"Oh my God, they're gassing refugees. Look at this family!"

'Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises...what the hell is on your TV that's so special?'

It's only a remote, dear...if you want better programs you will need a wand.

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

Crooked Hillary... Pig... Sad!... Not a Ten!...

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

'Dear, you're not supposed to take it seriously...it's a reality show!'

"And I thought I was toxic. . ."

"It's General Douglas MacArthur."

The end of election 2016

The cradle of mankind

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'