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The News Cycle

"Hurry up with your investigation—he's lying on the remote."

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

Cosmetic surgery on TV screen - 'Quick! My breasts are on TV...'

'Being hooked on the soaps doesn't qualify you for disability payments.'

'Beautiful day out there, folks. Don't miss it. Complete coverage, coming up next.'

Sand television

Waiting For Godot And The Cable Guy

These people are having more fun in 60 seconds that we'll have in a lifetime.

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

'I'm bored with the Sisyphus channel. Switch to the Tantalus channel.'

Stopped keeping up with the Kardashians.

'The weight gain began when we locked out all the sex and violence on TV...that only left the cooking shows.'

"Should we have dinner now, or are you watching in real time?"

Today's regularly scheduled nonsense won't be shown so we can bring you something blatantly absurd.

'The satellite's going out again!'

Watch dog.

'Ah -- Sipping at the fount o knowledge again, I see.'

Please stay tuned. The world has temporarily gone insane.

'We've given TV up for Lent. My dad's just keeping his remote thumb in shape.'

"of course it was a bleedin' emergency...."

'Boy, you know our lives suck when our cable goes out more than we do.'

What do you want to watch tonight -- NBC, CBS, or ABC?

"Oooh, this one's steamy!"

'No adjustment of your television is necessary. We have just lost our broadcasting license.'

Man watching television show, 'Are You Lower Than The Lowest Common Denominator'?

Widescreen TV on end showing 'The Towering Inferno'.

'I know it's a boring show... but the remote is broken.'

'No individual's , or group's feelings were hurt during the making of this film...'

"So now you sniff out drugs! That�s it, no more TV cop show"

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

"Believing life begins at 40, Dave decided to take it easy for the first 39."

'Cable rates are only $29.95 a month, but installation will be eight hundred thousand dollars.'

'...possible drug side effects include 'rapid death syndrome', but that's rare.'

'The following program isn't really recommended for anybody, but hey — ratings are ratings!'