Tv Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

"You wouldn't think they would allow language like that at a time when grandparents are likely to be watching."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"All rise."

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'D'you have any salt?'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"I hit reply all too many times."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."

'Mommy! Larry's making faces again!'

"China Ministry of State Security Royal Infiltration Training Unit"

"Hold on one second I'm just scrolling through your Instagram to get to know you."

"How many times must I tell you? Never critique the food until after she finishes her dessert wine!"

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'