Tv Critic In Paradise Gifts

'Eight hundred million channels and there's still nothing good on!'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Can't Touch This

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'He has a learning disability all right - television!'

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

'Ironically, sportswear is the most comfortable clothing for doing nothing in.'