Tv Critic In Paradise Gifts

'Eight hundred million channels and there's still nothing good on!'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

Can't Touch This

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

Christmas TV...

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Can't Touch This

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

Silly News.

'Ironically, sportswear is the most comfortable clothing for doing nothing in.'

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

'He has a learning disability all right - television!'