Tv Commentator Humor Gifts

"That was a Salchow. With Axels, they fall on their buns."

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"Can you hear me now?"

Pundits

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'The Chinese are using their currency as a weapon!' - 'Yeah - they have an ATM bomb!'

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

Art Gallery.

'And now, an NBS News Special Investigative Report: Why doesn't President Obama get the respect and support he deserves?'

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

"...No, he can't really fly...no, the bad guys really don't have a ray gun...no, this cereal really isn't the best food in the whole world...no, it won't make you as strong as a giant..."

'That's the end of the news - (B****RD MEN!!)'

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

"Since he retired, he fills his days complaining about 'woke' television."

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

Snatching Failure from the Jaws of Success

"If the stock market fluctuates due to the emotions of mostly men, isn't there some kind of hormonal therapy available to level those out for them?"

Stopping Coronavirus

"Coming up on political gymnastics, the next candidate will try a triple reverse flip flop..."

Presidential Pardons of the Rich and Famous.