Tv Commentator Humor Gifts

"That was a Salchow. With Axels, they fall on their buns."

Wifi in Hell

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"Can you hear me now?"

Pundits

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Art Gallery.

'And now, an NBS News Special Investigative Report: Why doesn't President Obama get the respect and support he deserves?'

'The Chinese are using their currency as a weapon!' - 'Yeah - they have an ATM bomb!'

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

"...No, he can't really fly...no, the bad guys really don't have a ray gun...no, this cereal really isn't the best food in the whole world...no, it won't make you as strong as a giant..."

'That's the end of the news - (B****RD MEN!!)'

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

China deploys troops to prepare for an American invasion of North Korea. Russia warns that if America attacks Syria again, Russia will respond with force. Y'know, last time we had a world war, we weren't the ones everyone was defending themselves against. Sometimes when you're playing tag, it's more fun to be "it." We should have out own political show.

"While a cure for curiosity remains elusive, it continues to take a deadly toll."

"That outfit is a nasty mix of stripes and patterns."

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

"Since he retired, he fills his days complaining about 'woke' television."

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

Presidential Pardons of the Rich and Famous.

"Coming up on political gymnastics, the next candidate will try a triple reverse flip flop..."

Stopping Coronavirus

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

'You are accused of internet fraud. How do you wish to blog?'