Tumultuous Relationship Gifts

'Muriel and I were like two ships passing in the night -- I was boarded, plundered, and scuttled!'

STILL LIVES - Bolt: 'It's like we were made for one another!'

"The next dance will be ladies' choice."

"She said 'let's go for a walk in the park'. It turned into a quagmire."

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

Dating the efficiency expert.

'One question, Vicar. Is it bad luck to invite any of the other people we're sleeping with?'

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

Marriage therapist's office is filled with erotic art.

Too Weird to Have a Husband

'And you must be Hank, my husband's new business partner!'

'I know we're supposed to be Lovebirds, but a bit of privacy from time to time would be nice...'

Church Drive-Thru.

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

'He says he needs his own space.'

'I think it's fair to say we're opposed to tame sex marriage.'

'I have an even better idea, Steve -- let's get married without living together!'

'This is our last date, Harry. I think I should see other weirdos.'

'Can we wrap up this argument? I've just thought of another one.'

'I'm sorry, Jerome. Instead of marriage and having kids, I've decided just to have myself cloned.'

"In a world of beefcake, I'm dating tofu."

'I don't worry about Harold putting the cap back on the toothpaste. He never takes it off!'

'I'm waiting for him to call, so that I can ignore him.'

'Surprised she's getting married again. In lieu of wedding gifts, she's asking for donations to help retain a divorce lawyer.'

"Surely not zero tolerance?"

"He sounds like a papaya I bought that just went straight from green to rotten."

"Call me when you've learned how to have an adult relationship with your apartment."

'Just what kind of girl do you think I am?'

'If you can't get a doctor, dear, at least try to marry a quack.'

A man hugs a heart-shaped cactus