Truth Benders Pillows

My book agent, Laurie, sold my memoirs. It's a gut-wrenching tale of how I overcame the odds. It's based on actual events. Not actual events in my life. They didn't ask! The memoir mantra: Don't as, don't tell.

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

"No luggage to check - I just have this carry on."

"Your Honor, we're going to go with the prosecution's spin."

'Hey! Hey! You need a trout stamp! Where's your trout stamp?!'

Skeptic Tank.

Alternative fielding positions

Clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought and memory.

Baseball pitch with a sign saying 'No Left Turn.'

"Didn't you just say that?"

"So when my dad said I couldn't have a dog..."

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

Black hole setting

"You don't mind the psychometric test, do you?"

We have a problem with your research. We're Encyclopedia Britannica and you're Wikipedia.

The ride with the shortest lines at disneyworld...

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

'Hold it Billy - There are no praying mantises in school.'

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, despite how bad it's going to screw you?"

"You want answers?" "I want the truth!" "You can't handle the infinite explanation of cosmological arguments relating to the truth!"

The Secret Sauce of American Exceptionalism

"Countless observations and calculations based on the scientific method led me to the conclusion that the center of the universe is not planet earth, but. . ."

"I warned you about putting funny stuff on the ball, Flanagan."

'I thought forty is the new thirty.'

Lateral Thinking - Not Out & Not In trays.

"Sorry, eighty is not the new sixty-five."

Chaos Theory Lecture - Upstairs and ask again.

'Sorry, Jimmy... our school has a strict 'don't show, don't tell' policy!'

The Choice is Obvious

Book store has a book called 'Mind Games,' which is floating magically in the air.

We don't want statistics that reflect the actual market situation. We want statistics that reflect what was decided in this boardroom!

'I see a beautiful young woman. You're naked, she's leaning over you. Oh, wait. She's performing your autopsy! '

"Let's just say my teacher and I agreed to disagree."