Trial Humorist Gifts

"Your Honor, it was a lot for any jury to be expected to believe...but we fell for it."

'Your first trial?'

'Permission to treat the counselor as hostile?'

'Think of it this way: the jury has given you 25 years to get your act together.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

Death penalty trial faux-pas.

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

"Calm down! This wood doll is the best attorney ourcompany ever had."

"You recused yourself from this case. I recuse myself from jury duty."

'I believe in trial and error, I believe my client being brought to trial is an error.'

'If I'm innocent until proven guilty, where do you guys get off putting me on TRIAL?'

'We had to bring a judge out of retirement, but we got you a speedy trial.'

"Repeat after me..."

"Bailiff."

'No, I'm not on trial here. I'm on the jury!'

'Do you want a lawyer appointed to you?' - 'No thanks your honour, I'd rather throw myself on the ignorance of the court.'

"Guilty times infinity."

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"