Training Newbie Gifts

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

"That was too many fresh original voices for one night."

'Don't you know that less packaging creates more waist?'

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

"He's at that awkward age...he knows just enough about computers to really screw them up."

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"I had to hire younger employees to keep up with today's technology and social media."

"Gym for regular people" "No intimidating trainers!" "Lo-tech" "Less is more!" "Not plastic" "Fluffy and scented" "No mirrors" "Full service restaurant"

Computer books for dummies.

"Since you're a computer geek, I suggest lifting the box the weights came in."

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

"Oh, man, I forgot to stretch, ever."

Please seat to be weighted.

"At least you made it into the hallway."

Bubbie Selfies

"Never ask Dad about technology. He thinks a semiconductor is someone who leads the Boston Pops for half a year."

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

"You butt dialed me 187 times in less that an hour, dad."

"Your fingers are the only part of you that's in shape. Apparently, the only exercise you get is texting."

'I'm no good at push ups.'

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

'That's way too irregular. I recommend regular exercise.'

'He still hasn't got the hang of it.'

'Hello, technical support? Which one is the 'any key'?'

"Let's take it step by step. How do I turn it on?"

'Your first trial?'

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

'We're taking baby steps with this whole social media thing until we're certain it pans out.'