Exercise Newbie Gifts

Getting in shape (or not)

Overweight woman running towards a fridge.

"And I just found out I've been sitting backwards on the Ab Cruncher for months!"

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"Carrots just didn't get me going anymore, so I switched to chocolate instead..."

'Don't you know that less packaging creates more waist?'

Yoga for beginners,

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"Gym for regular people" "No intimidating trainers!" "Lo-tech" "Less is more!" "Not plastic" "Fluffy and scented" "No mirrors" "Full service restaurant"

'Which program would you like - the use it or lose it, or use it to lose it?'

"Since you're a computer geek, I suggest lifting the box the weights came in."

"Oh, man, I forgot to stretch, ever."

Please seat to be weighted.

"At least you made it into the hallway."

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

"Do you have a one day a year membership?"

"Your fingers are the only part of you that's in shape. Apparently, the only exercise you get is texting."

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

'I'm no good at push ups.'

"You could do with some weight training."

'That's way too irregular. I recommend regular exercise.'

Finally. A home exercise system that really is a clothes rack!

This abdominal training board you brought...what kind of instructions did it come with...

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

'You're taking an aerobics class? -- is there that much air?'

"They told me to consult with a doctor before beginning an exercise program."

'Welcome to the exercise hotline. To start a very low impact exercise program, press #1250 times.'

"Sure doc, I can eat healthy tasteless food and exercise until my lungs implode. Or, you can just inject some drain cleaner into my eyeball and save us both a lot of time and trouble."