Exercise Newbie Gifts

Getting in shape (or not)

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway. (Published originally on March 27, 2009.)

Overweight woman running towards a fridge.

"And I just found out I've been sitting backwards on the Ab Cruncher for months!"

"You think you can? Think again, mister. You know you can. Got that?"

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"Carrots just didn't get me going anymore, so I switched to chocolate instead..."

'Don't you know that less packaging creates more waist?'

Yoga for beginners,

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

Yoga Beginners Class. Breathe and stretch. That's Good. URGH! OOOF! "Yoga pants" should be something you wear and not something that happens because you can't catch your breath!

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"Gym for regular people" "No intimidating trainers!" "Lo-tech" "Less is more!" "Not plastic" "Fluffy and scented" "No mirrors" "Full service restaurant"

'Which program would you like - the use it or lose it, or use it to lose it?'

No wonder kickboxing seems so hard.

"At least you made it into the hallway."

Please seat to be weighted.

"Oh, man, I forgot to stretch, ever."

"Since you're a computer geek, I suggest lifting the box the weights came in."

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

"Do you have a one day a year membership?"

"Okay, we've put on our exercise clothes. Now what?"

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

Health Club Shop. DVD. Books. Do you have a simple guide to better abs? "Tummies for Dummies" would be good for you.

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

"Your fingers are the only part of you that's in shape. Apparently, the only exercise you get is texting."

Finally. A home exercise system that really is a clothes rack!

'I'm no good at push ups.'

'That's way too irregular. I recommend regular exercise.'

"You could do with some weight training."

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

This abdominal training board you brought...what kind of instructions did it come with...