Tough-love Humorist Pillows

"These feet are fine. You have at least a couple of route marches left in them."

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"How barbaric! Females should be wooed by colourful displays, not fighting!"

Pub restrooms; Thugs - Thugettes

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"It's not what you think."

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

"This ride is for parents and their kids."

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

Narcissus

"It's been a tough season, and you tried your hardest, son. But you're being traded."

'Do you have to use your sat-nav for everything?'

Man with many tattoos.

'Wait a minute -- Shouldn't you be saying something about 'If not completely satisfied'?'

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

'Albert Figgis gets board backing.'

"You haven’t earned this."

Emotional sabotage animals.

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

'How sweet, he's smiling. He must be dreaming about me.'

"I take her out every night, but she keeps on coming back."

"Men just won't leave me alone!"

"I know you think I'm tough on you now, son. But you'il be much better prepared for life when I disinherit you."

"I think boot camp would be much cheaper than a gym membership."

"So it's come to this, Doreen."