Touchdown Theorist Pillows

"Upon further review, the receiver did not establish a meaningful and personal relationship with the football, therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass."

'OK, everybody, calm down,,,'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

Input From The Front Office

American Football.

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

Punishment for the kicker.

Football.

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'

'He's checking with his agent to see if it's okay to score a try!'

"Oh, wait. He's on their side."

A football player accidentally kicks off the head of another football player.

It's true. Some days I feel like creating a miracle, and some days I just feel like helping a dude catch a touchdown pass.

"Let's do exactly what these pundits in the halftime report said we should do. If we lose, we'll blame them!"

"You're back! You're really back...!"

'He hibernates between superbowls.'

Just as he was about to be annihilated, Dirk makes an amazing discovery,

Fish to angler: 'Nice try, pal, but I know plastic and feathers when I see them!'

At least Sunday is still a holy day.

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

"Junior, there's more to life than winning. There's also getting compensation for closed-head injuries."

Friendly fire!

Football

"A four-year, $60 million contract and he can't even do a decent end-zone dance!"

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

'Get the stretcher! He's got a mole on his leg that looks a little funky!!'

"Sometimes I think all this post game analysis has gone too far."

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

'No slapping, Wilson! We don't start full-contact drills until tomorrow!'

"Good news, you are virus free and should be able to resume hitting each other in the heads as hard as possible this fall."

'Look up... Look down... Look at my thumb. Gee, You're...'

Super Bowl Sunday sermon: "Is it better to kick off or receive?"

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

"I take serious offense to their offense. And I am feeling very defensive about our defense. Would somebody give me a damn hug? Now Please?"