Touchdown Fanatic Pillows

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

'Get the stretcher! He's got a mole on his leg that looks a little funky!!'

Deathbed Conversion

'OK, everybody, calm down,,,'

Alternative fielding positions

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

Input From The Front Office

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

American Football.

Punishment for the kicker.

Football.

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'

'He's checking with his agent to see if it's okay to score a try!'

A football player accidentally kicks off the head of another football player.

"Upon further review, the receiver did not establish a meaningful and personal relationship with the football, therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass."

"Well, dad. . . when I was a kid I got in trouble for trampling on the lawn or for beating up others. . . today, I get a lot of money for it!"

'Stop! Don't try to move him until we get his insurance information!'

Megan Anna Rapinoe

"Let's do exactly what these pundits in the halftime report said we should do. If we lose, we'll blame them!"

"Oh, wait. He's on their side."

It's true. Some days I feel like creating a miracle, and some days I just feel like helping a dude catch a touchdown pass.

"You're back! You're really back...!"

'He hibernates between superbowls.'

Just as he was about to be annihilated, Dirk makes an amazing discovery,

Super Bowl 2012: The NFL finds a way to appease displaced ticket holders.

Fish to angler: 'Nice try, pal, but I know plastic and feathers when I see them!'

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

"Junior, there's more to life than winning. There's also getting compensation for closed-head injuries."

Friendly fire!

"This new NFL video is great! It factors in the strength of each team's offense, defense, special teams and legal teams."

"Good news, you are virus free and should be able to resume hitting each other in the heads as hard as possible this fall."

"Sweetie, I know we missed Princesses on Ice, but I'm going to make it up to you."

"Sometimes I think all this post game analysis has gone too far."

'No slapping, Wilson! We don't start full-contact drills until tomorrow!'