Touchdown Texter Pillows

'Just made a pass. I'm running for the end zone.'

'OK, everybody, calm down,,,'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

Input From The Front Office

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

American Football.

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'

Punishment for the kicker.

'He's checking with his agent to see if it's okay to score a try!'

"Oh, wait. He's on their side."

"Let's do exactly what these pundits in the halftime report said we should do. If we lose, we'll blame them!"

"So this is what you do all day on your cell phone? Punching in letters...one by one...sending dirty messages to your friends?"

It's true. Some days I feel like creating a miracle, and some days I just feel like helping a dude catch a touchdown pass.

"You're back! You're really back...!"

At least Sunday is still a holy day.

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

'He hibernates between superbowls.'

Just as he was about to be annihilated, Dirk makes an amazing discovery,

"Junior, there's more to life than winning. There's also getting compensation for closed-head injuries."

Friendly fire!

Girl reads a book called Speed Texting For Everyday Use

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

Football

'No slapping, Wilson! We don't start full-contact drills until tomorrow!'

'Get the stretcher! He's got a mole on his leg that looks a little funky!!'

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

"Sometimes I think all this post game analysis has gone too far."

'Look up... Look down... Look at my thumb. Gee, You're...'

Super Bowl Sunday sermon: "Is it better to kick off or receive?"

"I just sent a penny to your bank account for your thoughts."

Head Coach, Offensive Coordinator, Post-Touchdown Choreographer

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

'What's the text abbreviation for 'yippee yippee yo, yippee yay, yippee yo kai aye?'

"I take serious offense to their offense. And I am feeling very defensive about our defense. Would somebody give me a damn hug? Now Please?"