Tongue-in-cheek Texter Gifts

"It must take a while for vitals to shut down, she's still texting."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Do it yourself books.

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

Shall I be mother?

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

Husband / Wife / On The Side

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

'On the plus side, you won't have to worry about me getting into an expensive college.'

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"No Bald Games"

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

"It's a thongbird."

"Don’t you dare talk to your father in all caps young lady!"

"Bitch."

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

'This tongue transplant I had with fly paper is great.'

'I wish they hadn't voted out instant replay.'

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"It's a novelty t-shirt me and the boys designed, Mrs. Patterson!"

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."