Tongue-in-cheek Texter Pillows

"It must take a while for vitals to shut down, she's still texting."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Do it yourself books.

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

Shall I be mother?

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

Husband / Wife / On The Side

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

'On the plus side, you won't have to worry about me getting into an expensive college.'

"No Bald Games"

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

The Cheshire Dog.

"It's a thongbird."

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

'I wish they hadn't voted out instant replay.'

"Bitch."

'This tongue transplant I had with fly paper is great.'

"Don’t you dare talk to your father in all caps young lady!"

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"Come on and pay for the shopping like a man."

"It's a novelty t-shirt me and the boys designed, Mrs. Patterson!"

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."

'Come on...you can't all have hayfever in the middle of winter.'