Tongue-in-cheek Reader Gifts

Do it yourself books.

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

No-Work Orange

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Shall I be mother?

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

'On the plus side, you won't have to worry about me getting into an expensive college.'

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

"It's a thongbird."

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

'This tongue transplant I had with fly paper is great.'

'I wish they hadn't voted out instant replay.'

"Bitch."

"He's busy cross-training. He's drinking with his left hand."

"All our vegetables are well done. It's a return to the old values."

"It's a novelty t-shirt me and the boys designed, Mrs. Patterson!"

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

'Come on...you can't all have hayfever in the middle of winter.'

R.I.P Seth Grimthorp

Strike Action Man.

'Get with it, Ralph! Trophies are meaningless, when everyone gets one!'

'I'd like to think I've had SOME influence on your life.'

"What Uncle Al meant to say regarding your silly question was 'does a bear use the restroom in the woods'."

'You always told me to be honest.'

"It's nearly as valuable as what we'll inherit when your mother dies - that's how much I love you."

'The good news is that she gave me her phone number - The bad news is that the call will cost me twelve dollars a minute.'