Tongue-in-cheek Reader Gifts

Do it yourself books.

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

No-Work Orange

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

Shall I be mother?

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

'On the plus side, you won't have to worry about me getting into an expensive college.'

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

"It's a thongbird."

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

'This tongue transplant I had with fly paper is great.'

'I wish they hadn't voted out instant replay.'

"Bitch."

Employees Must Cleanse Palate. ?

"He's busy cross-training. He's drinking with his left hand."

"All our vegetables are well done. It's a return to the old values."

"Come on and pay for the shopping like a man."

"It's a novelty t-shirt me and the boys designed, Mrs. Patterson!"

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

'Come on...you can't all have hayfever in the middle of winter.'

R.I.P Seth Grimthorp

Strike Action Man.

'Get with it, Ralph! Trophies are meaningless, when everyone gets one!'

'Tell him he can the 'Zilla' in his name, but that first part has got to go!'

Why do you have an empty beer can hanging from the ceiling? Because it's hard to find mistletoe in April.

One-Stop Shopping. Illegal. Immoral. Fattening.

'I'd like to think I've had SOME influence on your life.'

Did you feel that, Randy? I think I was an earthquake. Tough to tell, little buddy. I had just come up with an idea for a new book in my "Randy's MAN-uals" series. The working title would be "The Back-Hair Formula: How to Ensure Your Inner Beast is a Lion, Not a Woolly Mammoth" I'll have to shorten that, of course. The earth often shakes when I get a good idea. Well, my mind was completely blank at the time, so ... pretty sure it was an earthquake.

"What Uncle Al meant to say regarding your silly question was 'does a bear use the restroom in the woods'."

'You always told me to be honest.'

"It's nearly as valuable as what we'll inherit when your mother dies - that's how much I love you."