Toddler Life Analyst Gifts

'He's three tomorrow and from now on everything he sees will probably be repeats!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Crap from the future.

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

Don't be surprised --- They always start out as quadrupeds.

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

Modern Life Blues

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

"Very funny."

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

Hey, I could get used to this couch potato thing.

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

Street sign: 'Life gets even more complicated here to corner.'

'All those years of teaching me to walk and talk. . . now all they want is for me to sit down and shut up!'

'You were a boring accountant in ten previous lives.'

"He looks so natural."

"Luckily, our retirement funds are entirely in double lattes."

The meaning of life...

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

"What's it like to have sexually active parents?"

'Sorry about that - Harry's into everything at the moment.'

'Motherly radar, we've know about. Now we suspect motherly in-home surveillance cameras.'

Vending machine offers tea and sympathy

Swings Doctor

'My dad was a workaholic...' 'Mine was a drunken stumbblebum.'

'How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good.'

"We have very little need these days to employ a cudgel."

"Pop-up prison."

'Yes, but the ideological notion that striking a child isn't justified under any circumstances contradicts thousands of years of parenting experience.'

Father's Day

"I'm getting a little tired of social media. He got mad at me so he said he is going to 'undad' me."

"So, what inspired you to study engineering, get married, find a job, move to the suburbs, have a couple of kids, and grow old?"