Childhood Dynamics Analyst Gifts

Of course mom loved me best

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"That's Brian Eggleston, de facto leader of the playground intelligentsia."

Common Core Family Therapy

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

A boy and his spin patrol.

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'I read all the parenting books, but you always manage to stay one step ahead of me!'

Sure, he can talk already, but it's all just psychobabble.

"Just because your mother devoured your siblings and not you didn't mean she valued you any less. She was just full."

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

Kids' energy levels

'They sort of grow on you.'

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

'All those years of teaching me to walk and talk. . . now all they want is for me to sit down and shut up!'

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Andy plays perfectly well with others - it's others who don't play well with Andy."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

'Sorry, I'm not available. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you.'

"Use your indoor gun."