Titanic Jokester Pillows

Minutes after Prometheus stole fire from the gods.

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

'Gravity...Go figure!'

Clown God

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

Fleas Navidad.

"Merry Christmas"

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

'And on June 30th of that same year, you used The Bible as a coaster?'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Men dancing

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

"Maybe this year..."

Elf of the Month

"We use the proceeds to help offset the cost of your eternal salvation."

"Don't bother going that way: They've installed shark nets..."

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'Whadoya mean, WHOOPS?! That stuff doesn't grow on trees you know!'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"I haven't changed my facebook status."

"A catfish ate my homework."

Mama Z'Belle...astrologer...your fortune based on the science of astronomy: 'Oh, oh it looks like your chart has shifted red...'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

I don't care if you hate that word – I'm hangry.