Tipsy Conversationalists Pillows

"This may be the wine talking, but I'm wasted."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

What price beauty?

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"No, you dismantle your nuclear arsenal first."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Babble. Pbl. Babama. Bbb. Brb. Bod.

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

'If you'll excuse me, I'm going to work the room.'

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

Imaginary boyfriends are best.

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

"Develop your social skills. Share information about yourself so people will want to talk to you." "I like to dissect animals."