Thumbs-up Humorist Gifts

Bird's flying south.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

The Solar System (after deregulation)

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

"Frankly, I can't wait until I evolve into a bird..."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Honest Vending

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

Chemist builds animals instead of molecular models

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

She loves to play with string theory.

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

When bacteria trash talk to antibodies. Oh yeah?! You and what course of antibiotics?!

"How about a hand."

"It's just a tree."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'OOO, I've thought of a new one! Two squiggles and a backwards G!'

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."