Tipsy Humorist Gifts

Liquor Store: Lean to Open.

'Look, son, the big tipper.'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"It's just a tree."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"How about a hand."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'The Lemming Book Store'

"I cross the road to forget."

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

The opera - 'Please, sir, give us your ticket, if you ain;t a-goin' in again.'

'Please keep in mind this is only a 'ruff' copy.'