Three-eyed Humorist Gifts

"I'm frustrated that I can never find contact lense cases with three compartments."

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'Jurassic Pork.'

"Scuba cow"

'...Excuse me...Whoops, my fault!..Sorry!..You first...Pardon Me...Sorry...S'cuse me...Look out!...Pardon'

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

Hats and Food

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."