Quirky Eye Humorist Gifts

"If he finds his glasses, we're dead!"

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

"You left this on our ship."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"It's not face paint. I'm transitioning into a snow leopard."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

Introducing...Anagraman.

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Fresh pepper?"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Glance Exchange

Blind man walking a tortoise.