Three-eyed Humorist Pillows

"I'm frustrated that I can never find contact lense cases with three compartments."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'Jurassic Pork.'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'...Excuse me...Whoops, my fault!..Sorry!..You first...Pardon Me...Sorry...S'cuse me...Look out!...Pardon'

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

"Scuba cow"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Hats and Food

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Grass-cream! Thanks Mum!"

"It's just a tree."