Eagle-eyed Humorist Pillows

Climbing Mount Rushmore

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'We have three minutes left.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

Large print e-book.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'And I thought I had a big egg to lay.'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Frankly, if all the King's men couldn't put him together again, what chance do we have?...'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

I think I need new glasses. I swear I just saw a tiny man jump off your bridge.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

"Your problem isn't the prescription."