Therapy Session Junkie Gifts

'I could kill for a good cup of coffee now.'

"OK, let's talk about your narcissistic tendencies."

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'He's not showing off to me as much as he used to...'

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

Around the piano

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

Homing pigeons in therapy.

"It's taking more and more destruction just to feel anything."

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

A therapist laughing behind the back of his patient who is an upset looking clown.

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'My therapist cured me of using humour as a defence, these days I pack a .45.'

In a twist on "It's A Wonderful Life," sometimes I wonder what the world would have been like if I HAD existed.

Psychobabble.

'It feels like two hours of my life is missing.'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

"No, it's not a Rorscach test, it's a really nasty damp patch."