Therapy Session Enthusiast Gifts

'Do you feel dominated by your mother?'

'Patient wise, what I lose on the emotional rollercoasters I make up on the mood swings.'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"What gives a miserable piece of lowlife trash the idea that no one likes him?"

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

'And this is where I treat patients with schizophrenia.'

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"

"I think my wife is having an affair. She wants sex in the back of my car, but she wants me to drive."

Sarcasm therapy

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

Licensed Therapist

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"Don't you think it's time we talked about Operation Doug?"

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Couples' therapy

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

"I sometimes think you're the only one who listens to me."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

X-ray Psychology.

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

'We have three minutes left.'

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'