Therapy Session Junkie Pillows

"OK, let's talk about your narcissistic tendencies."

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'He's not showing off to me as much as he used to...'

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

Around the piano

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'My therapist cured me of using humour as a defence, these days I pack a .45.'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

A therapist laughing behind the back of his patient who is an upset looking clown.

Psychobabble.

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'It feels like two hours of my life is missing.'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

"No, it's not a Rorscach test, it's a really nasty damp patch."

"Hang on a second! This nutcase is allowed on the furniture, but I'm not?!"