Therapy Session Aficionado Pillows

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

'I tried everything to get my class to pay attention. I tried bribes, sarcasm, guilt, shame and threats. Nothing works! Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?'

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Shrink to large stick of dynamite - 'How long have you had the urge to detonate?'

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

"I just need something to feel a little less grim."

Licensed Therapist

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"Don't you think it's time we talked about Operation Doug?"

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

Wolf trying on sheep's clothing at a retail store.

Couples' therapy

X-ray Psychology.

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

'We have three minutes left.'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

Shrinks in heaven

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"