Therapy Session Giggler Pillows

"I've got this phobia about paying bills...."

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

"It wasn't supposed to be funny."

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

Let's try some word disassociation

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

Psychobabble.

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

"Please join me now in a group meditation."

"Hang on a second! This nutcase is allowed on the furniture, but I'm not?!"

"...I need some closure. Can we go ahead and spin the Wheel Of Blame?"

"Well, if you want my blood pressure lower don't keep waiting two hours to see you."

Cat Therapy. Just when we make a little progress, they bolt to another room for no reason.

"Has it occurred to you that you occasionally feign a lack of understanding?" "What the hell does that mean?"

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"

'I don't feel I stand out in a crowd anymore.'

HELP!!! Speaking as a professional psychiatrist, I believe I'm detecting a cry for help.

'Let me know when you find it difficult to speak.'

I think we need to move to your usual four o'clock appointments to earlier in the day, Al. I find that every time I see you at four, I feel the need for cocktail hour at five.

"Not every dream is about you, Mom."

Why are you constantly asking to approach the bench? My psychiatrist says I suffer from gavel envy.

'Not much of a support group are they.'

"Are you blushing?!"