Therapy Chuckles Pillows

'Now take a deep breath and visualize your client being acquitted.'

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

"You'll never be a full participant in your mental health care if you keep saying wacky things."

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

"Teach me not to care."

'Pencil on couch being psycho analysed.'

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

"Why do you feel like you're lost?"

Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

"No heroic measures."

"Nobody loves me." "Yeah, nobody listens to me. Not even my wife." "My kids don't respect me."

"I'm sensing that the role-playing homework I gave you didn't work."

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

'I may not really need you. My imaginary friend is a psychiatrist.'

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"About that insomnia...have you tried counting billable hours?"

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

Can I take your disorder?

"Alexa, does this guy have mother issues?"

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

"This obsession of yours about becoming a car mechanic..."

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.

Sardine psychologist.

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

Cut out and keep your own Freud.

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."