Theorist Of Holiday Lore Gifts

'I've been thinking about this whole Santa thing.'

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

'I hate all holidays!'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

Dollar Sign Christmas Tree.

The other days of the year...

Old fashioned Christmas shopping

'Do you expect to be stuffed on Thanksgiving?'

He Sees You When You're Sleeping

"...and most of all, thank you for pre-cooked holiday meals from the supermarket!"

'Christmas dinner's almost ready dear.'

"At the Christmas Artifacts Museum"

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

'My brother got all the glory. For me it was Randolph with your nose so pink, you really make my sleigh team stink.'

"Doesn't it seem like we just finished letting the air out of last year's tree?"

'What's all this 'naughty or nice' jazz? ? Haven't you ever heard of situational ethics?'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

'The shepherds couldn't make it!'

'...Then we thought, stuff Christmas, the world is full of naughty brats anyway.'

T'was the night before the night before Christmas.

"Sales of our festive toilet cleaner have gone through the floor...it makes you worry that people have forgotten what the festive season is ALL ABOUT!"

Santa's elevator

"When I was a kid? Well...me and your dad would just head out the back door and pick our tree!" "Wow! Grandpa owned a plastics factory!"

'Santa's blotto.'

"I'm sorry, Rudolph, but empathetic soulsource crystal navigation has made that nose of yours pretty much obsolete."

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

"Look! The name is Donder! Not Donner! It's Donder! Got it? Good!"

Santa's family holding firearms

Secular Holy Days

'Don't try to kid me - that whole Rudolph thing is just a publicity stunt, isn't it?'

"Staff, we're having a Cinco de Mayo sale this year!"

'Frankly, I don't know what to believe. They say if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.'

'... But, if he knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake, isn't that an infringement of my right to privacy?'

"And this is where the magic happens."

"And then they literally have a parade."