The Self-esteem Guru Pillows

"Science has proven that if you don't know what you're talking about, people will still take you seriously if you act like you do...Especially if you back it up by saying 'Science has proven' it."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

"You left your demons here last week."

"The goal is to hate yourself."

"Always remember...it takes teamwork to get me that promotion!"

"Well, I'm sad for Gloria...she's gonna be bummed out when I'm twice as successful as she is."

"Yet she never gains an ounce."

PROBLEM AREAS

You don't believe I could be a supreme court justice! You're ruining my self-esteem! F.Y.I? � Whiny tirades don't look good on a supreme court justice's record. Thank you for your candid assessments. I will certainly consider their merits. Fine judicial temperament. And reject them for their shallow insensitivity! Rejection overruled.

Achiever: An illustration of how many thoughts she can have in a split second, while still listening to him.

'My new cellphone has a 'self-help' program...'

Emoticon Encouragement Therapy

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

Let go of the restrictions in your own head.

Thanks to therapy, Bob no longer felt like a nobody. He felt like an anybody.

'I'm having a bad whisker day.'

"I don't care what it was or how hard it was to kill. It makes me look fat."

Always remember...you're the best you in the world.

Warning. Objects in mirror my bear no relation to reality.

"There's a wonderful book on memory tricks here, but I can't remember what I did with it!"

'I'm not complaining or anything, but these are going to be really hard on our self-esteem!'

"Who cares what little kids think? What's important is that you believe in yourself."

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

"My fuse about my height is about as short as I am."

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

Declutter Your Life

'What superpower would I like? Normally, invisibility, but as I'm a 53 year old female, I feel that I've already been granted it.'

"Dear, it's a well known fact that women's clothes shrink in the closet during winter!"

'More isn't doing the trick lately. What comes AFTER more?'

Latest support group: British actors who couldn't get a part in the Harry Potter films.

'If you want them balanced, it'll be an extra 250 dollars.'

Planned service changes

'When did you first notice the bald spot?'

'I think they're still just sizing each other up.'