The Quirkily Offended Gifts

The muse for letters to the editor.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

Glance Exchange

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

"It's just a tree."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"I cross the road to forget."

'The Lemming Book Store'

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'