The No-nonsense Parent Pillows

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Look Mommy, hat!"

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"Mom! Don't think of me as covered with sand. Think of me as sugar coated."

'She's just great with the children.'

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"Werewolves of London..."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

'Where do I put the batteries?'

'If you can keep him clean for a day you can sleep in his bed tonight.'

Baby tells other Baby to call.

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

'Care to gaze upon the peaceful blanket of snow before I send the kids out?'

What do you want, the moon on a stick?

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

'Look Daddy: I'm wearing Mummy's shoes...'

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"Well, my dog cleans himself that way!"

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

Real Estate Krisp Flakes: Location! Location! Location!

Circus Act

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

"Wheeeeeeee!"

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"Hell, Mom! How's it look?!" "Holy mackerel."

See that leg? He's dreaming of chasing rabbits.