The No-nonsense Parent Gifts

"What part of this don't you understand?"

"Look Mommy, hat!"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

'She's just great with the children.'

"Mom! Don't think of me as covered with sand. Think of me as sugar coated."

"Werewolves of London..."

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"I'll be a little late. I'm working a double shift."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"I told you. . . use your inside miming."

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

'If you can keep him clean for a day you can sleep in his bed tonight.'

'Care to gaze upon the peaceful blanket of snow before I send the kids out?'

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

Baby tells other Baby to call.

What do you want, the moon on a stick?

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

'Look Daddy: I'm wearing Mummy's shoes...'

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

Real Estate Krisp Flakes: Location! Location! Location!

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"Well, my dog cleans himself that way!"

Circus Act

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

"Wheeeeeeee!"

"Hell, Mom! How's it look?!" "Holy mackerel."

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.