Parenting With A Twist Gifts

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

"We don't spank in our family- we just use the discipline clown."

Meals on Heels.

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"I told you not to have that boob job."

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Look Mommy, hat!"

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

'She's just great with the children.'

"Mom! Don't think of me as covered with sand. Think of me as sugar coated."

Fish that snore, and the tragic lives of those who care.

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"At $4 a dozen, it's hard to balance a career and a family."

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Werewolves of London..."

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"I'll be a little late. I'm working a double shift."

"I told you. . . use your inside miming."

'Where do I put the batteries?'

Baby tells other Baby to call.

'You change him, and I'll change the tire.'

'Care to gaze upon the peaceful blanket of snow before I send the kids out?'

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

'If you can keep him clean for a day you can sleep in his bed tonight.'

A Mix Up Between the Buggy and Lawn Mower.

What do you want, the moon on a stick?

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."