Parenting With A Twist Pillows

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

"We don't spank in our family- we just use the discipline clown."

Meals on Heels.

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"I told you not to have that boob job."

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"Look Mommy, hat!"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Mom! Don't think of me as covered with sand. Think of me as sugar coated."

'She's just great with the children.'

Fish that snore, and the tragic lives of those who care.

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

"At $4 a dozen, it's hard to balance a career and a family."

"Werewolves of London..."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'If you can keep him clean for a day you can sleep in his bed tonight.'

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

'Care to gaze upon the peaceful blanket of snow before I send the kids out?'

'You change him, and I'll change the tire.'

Baby tells other Baby to call.

'Where do I put the batteries?'

A Mix Up Between the Buggy and Lawn Mower.

What do you want, the moon on a stick?

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

Real Estate Krisp Flakes: Location! Location! Location!

Circus Act

'Look Daddy: I'm wearing Mummy's shoes...'