Pun-loving Parent Pillows

'I think you should know I'm listening to offers from other families.'

'Owr inglish teecher is rubish!!'

'My son's doing work experience and he helps me with the small print.'

'Hey, don't do that! Don't you know they send cribbers to the fox farm?'

The ol' swine flu gag.

"He's afraid of needles..."

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

Do it yourself books.

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"He has extremely advanced motor skills."

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

Caesar slips on ice. Bystander says 'He was warned-beware the ice of March'

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

Mobile Phone Mobile.

'I just had to come over...You caught my eye.'

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

Our Yuppie Dad

"Were the 'Trolls' internet trolls?"

"No. I have the baby."

'A grass box for the children is a wonderful idea.'

'You precisely said 'straight over at the roundabout'. You didn't say anything about going around it.'