The Humor Aficionado Gifts

'I'm afraid we're not able to offer you a raise but in five years you could be in line to get your own work pencil.'

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."

"Thor! I am Thor! Ha. Just kidding. I'm Tom the Seagull."

Zombie standup

Police Feline Unit

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"What's a patent?"

Men find this shampoo irresistible. It's called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells Like A New Car'.

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

"Why do they do that?"

'Joe took the day off to go to the ball game. So I'll be sitting in for him until he gets back. Would you like me to fetch you something?'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"Cat box"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

Love at First Sight

Easter Island legs

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"